Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
