I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
