So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
