I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
