I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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