I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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