I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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