youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
