We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
