I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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