I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
