You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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