I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
