Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
