My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
