U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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