Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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