you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
