The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
