Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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