Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
