well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
