Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
