i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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