the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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