So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
