my vag is so smooth its legendary
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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