Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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