So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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