Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
