Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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