checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
