Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
