I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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