from now on my penis is your penis
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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