There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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