Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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