So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
