My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
