The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
