Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
