My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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