If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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