What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
