So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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