I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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