The maid of honor just puked.
my phone needs a breathalizer
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
