dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
false alarm, still single
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
