I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
