There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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