We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What a dumb baby whore.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
