Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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