he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
being pregnant is like rehab
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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