it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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