I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm always down for nudity.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
