Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
