He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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