fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
