wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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